Reflection on this Module. - Talking over all the Issues.

This is where I may waffle! As I have to write an essay on this module and I am really struggling.
Why am I struggling? Life has been bloody difficult if I can be honest, I decided to change jobs in the hope that this would be a positive move for myself and Emma.
However I have real doubts about the move, as the new job was only part-time and I hoped that another job doing NVQ's would be a financially viable idea, however this  has not proved to be the case, so I had to take on more work, so I ended up working between 50 to 60 hours, and still financially things are as bad as ever! So I to train for the new job, of which I have passed! Which is great, so I work as a AAA Screening Technician, I also work in the Laboratory as a Medical Laboratory Technician, I also do Call Handling at weekends, plus I attempt to do the NVQ's.
However the stress of all this has brought on a aggressive attack of IBS, which has made me incredibly ill, so life hasn't been great especially in regards with to the MA and in particular this Module.

So the positives... I am now qualified which means no more training for a while so I now just work 3 days scanning, and I work 2 days in the Laboratory. I have decided to stop doing the NVQ's as soon as the students I have completed their studies which I hope won't be much longer. Furthermore the call handling will finish by October, and at the end of this month I will be paid for the work at the lab, so finances will hopefully even out and everything health hopefully will settle down.

All these issues have really affected the work I have produced or rather how I have had to put the MA on the back burner.

So when I began this module I had been looking at the Tumblr and the idea of identity and I thought that I was dealing with and investigating the concept of 'Identity' and I limped through using this concept and yet when you looked at the work, and the individual who I had mainly decided to use in my work, what I created and her identity or rather the character that she showed on Tumblr is not reflected in the work.
In fact this all came to a head when we had to talk to a Curator, and send an artist statement and some images, I was so disappointed in most of the work that I had created, furthermore the statement just wasn't of a high standard and actually it was at this moment I recognised that actually the concept of 'Identity' was not part of the work I had been creating, and I was also ill on the evening that I had to discuss the work with the Curator, all in all a very disappointing time for me, and very humiliating.      

The work I have produced is technically ok and some of these pieces are good and stand out, and I have even exhibited one 'Different Perspectives'

This painting has been very well received and I feel that out of all the pieces I have created this year this is probably the only one which I am truly happy with.

When I created this piece I had been using a washed background and a limited palette I used limited sized brushes as well, and it was a hard painting to create, because it is also on roughly prepared canvas, and the character was difficult to produce and eventually I did look at the portraiture of Francis Bacon and he does have an influence on me and in his interviews with David Sullivan, he discussed how he allowed the faces to become organic and distort and he did not feel controlled over the images he produced. Which at times was frustrating for him which I really appreciate where he was coming from!

What I have been attempting to do is to recreate some of the work I had made and I did feel that this did work, however I began to realise that the work I created varied and why it varied was a bit of a revelation, because when I began to analyse the work, I realised that actually that my moods or rather how I feel affects how I paint.
For instance the painting 'Different Perspectives' is quite free in the brush work. The painting has an essence of confidence and the palette I used was limited but I did use more variety of colours but I limited the amount used, furthermore I did rub back and reapply paint.
This painting made me realise how my upbringing has affected me, and how my relationship with my parents especially my Dad has always been at the forefront and the most damaging in my life, I find this hard to deal with and talk about. But I look just like him so I can never get free, he is not a bad man he is just very disapproving of me and he struggles with me as an individual, I always feel that I am a failure and yet he does think I am a good artist, however every other aspect of my life is something that he struggles with, the fact that I have failed relationships and I am financially not stable and I can see a way out of these issues, I can't even tell him how bad things are as this will be another blackened mark against me.     

Another painting shows the difference which is the first piece that I created.

         
This painting is one that I am very proud of, its detailed and I know it is well executed and yet compared to ' Different Perspectives' it is limited and it doesn't have an edge to it. It does not stand up against the painting. Maybe it's too normal? 

At this stage I felt so despondent and very worried regarding this module, and didn't know how to talk to people and I did become a bit isolated, so I plucked up the courage and rang another student and I am so grateful! Amelia suggested that I repaint some of the original paintings as time was limited and I had no money to get any more canvas, and I just didn't know what I could created.

Furthermore I was at my wits end and Amelia's suggestion was a life line and I took her advice on board and began to rework some of the paintings, and two were successful, which was a relieve.
Below is an example of the reworked painting.

 

I felt that in reworking this piece I changed the mentality of the piece? There is a different essence... I was still a bit over protective when applying the paint, and I did rub back and reapply being tentative in approach I believe is due to my lack of confidence at the moment and actually I did feel a sense of achievement in the original work and yet I did know it was lacking. This final piece I feel does offer more to the viewer, maybe more of the reality of how I felt at that moment in time.   

 

 



 

 

The painting above is one that I made during a making day that I was able to attend, however I knew at the time that it wasn't great and not up to the standard of the MA, and I did feel that some of the MA student were not rude at all, but I did feel that some of the students under rated what I am as an artist.

I have always struggled to feel that I have much value within the MA as I am not eloquent, and artistically I find it difficult to discuss my work and others work, I have felt that I was getting better however I felt very lost that day when attempting to discuss why this painting was important and a bit of an achievement for me, so I was deflated after the day and stopped painting as time was so limited and I just didn't know what or where to start until I had spoken to Amelia, so I realised that I had to repaint this piece.

 

 

 

  Again I was tentative about this piece, as I didn't know what I wanted to change about it, and this is a bit pathetic I really struggle painting hair!! And in this piece I did feel that the hair worked. It had a fluidity that I spent time to achieve. But when you are doing an MA or any type of course being anal about work is fatal!! 
Anyway I did attempt to rework this piece and I felt that the tentative brushstrokes have worked, and the contrasting palette adds something to the work.

  
All of the paintings above have been included as the final pieces that I would like to be included into a exhibition, the reasons I think these pieces are important, due to the brush strokes and there is a unity to the pieces that work together as a unit. Furthermore I have spent time with these paintings, and there has been a development through these pieces.

I recognise that there is only four final pieces, however sometimes less is more, and I could have included more but in doing this I would be just adding more to bulk out the final hand in, I would not achieve more by doing this and in fact in doing this I would be letting myself down.

I struggled into attempting to find a word or rather a way of explaining how my emotions and this effects the work I create, and then I spoke to Claire another MA student who was wonderful and she really seemed to appreciate the issues that I was dealing with and she recommended a book that I should read, and suggested that the word I was seeking when explaining what I had realised when reflecting on my work was 'Transference'.
And after exploring this word it really does reflect all of the work I have done during all the modules and especially this module.             
                  

Reworking the paintings

I have repainted some of the original work that I have been concentrating on during this module.

The original piece I believe was almost too bright and created just an image that gave no sense of this individual, and she comes across as naive and a lot younger than she actually is.

  

The repainting has created a piece of work, that seems to have a sense of ambiguity and due to the lack of background there seems to be a lack of atmosphere and the figure seems diminished as she is encapsulated within the one area of the canvas. Furthermore I have limited the palette and this is an area which I believe has a lot of scope because by limitation there is an allowance of strong contrast between the light and dark, technical term - Chiaroscuro.

The piece above is one of the most enjoyable intricate pieces that I have worked on in a long time, I recognise that the composition and nature of the piece is maybe abit limited for the MA, however personally this piece took time and concentration, its was absorbing and I learnt alot from this painting. 

I decided to rework this figure again because the figure is an interesting image to work with and compositionally its angular positioning is something that draws me to continue to study this image.   

I used thinned paint and wide brushstrokes, once again I limited the palette, however this piece was lacking something and even though this piece was influenced by the work of Marlene Dumas, I wasn't happy with what I had created.

The Prophet 2004 - Marlene Dumas

I continued to work on the piece and as you can see below I have used charcoal to scratch and rework the lines used for alignment, when sketching the painting.



The finished piece was interesting, sombre in reflection, by using the charcoal the lines have become blurred as if looking at this piece through a dirty grubby mirror.

I have continued to use this particular girl I just find her really interesting she isn't particular beautiful she just has an interesting face and her direct stare is uncomfortable as if she is challenging the viewer.

I started this piece after having a tutorial with Caroline, and as you can see I have contined to limit my palatte.

 As you can see in the images shown of the piece I am thinking not only of the figure but also the space around her and after looking at the work of Ewan Uglow (1932-2000) and his understanding of composition and his use of blocked painting has inspired me within this particular painting.

As you can see in the background of this piece I have kept the squared areas in which I use to sketch out the figure and instead of removing the marks I have used them so bring out the background.

As I continued to work on this piece I became aware of how interesting my mark making was and decided that these marks added to the piece and so I decided to leave them in, so in the final piece there is an integration of different mediums of oil paints and pencil, graphite, charcoal.

As everybody on the MA knows I have had to change my job and I now am working part time which is some ways is brilliant as I have more time to work on the MA, however financially its made things very difficult, so I have made a concerted effort to reuse canvas where I can and to I have run out of white paint when I wanted to prep a canvas so I found some mixtures of paint and I mixed them together and the colour was a gorgeous reddish brown so I have used this to prep some canvasses.

So I wanted to once again revisit the painting I have finished, I wanted to change the composition and aware of the change of canvas size I felt that I could shift the central focus of the work.



So I realised that I could use the colour of the background to influence the limited palette that I have been using, furthermore the brushstrokes of the background are still apparent. 



The final piece of work I felt really worked, as the background colour and brushstrokes resonate through. The brushstrokes reflect and have extended from the painting before, this way of revisiting work and reflecting on each piece and then reworking at times is really expanding and extending my practice.

   

Once again I used the brown pigment as the basis for this new piece, because it is like working on coloured paper and I have used chalk to sketch in the figure. 

This piece is of my friend who does use Tumblr and we are going to work together on a collaboration as he is a professional photographer who uses Tumblr to showcase his work and he is able to express  himself through his work on this site more than his professional trading website.

     

Once again the colours have managed to intergrate together and there is also a sense of luminosity because of the strength of the background colour, and the use of oils they seem stronger than acrylic.

  





Compositionally this piece leaps out to the viewer and I used large brushes to extend the brushstrokes of the background, facially the brushstrokes are fluid,light and dark contrast smoothly.



This piece for me is a piece that has developed from the reflective practice I have exercised and I will continue this practice, because as a painter I want to develop my skills and present to the viewer new ways of seeing not only the application of  paint on canvas, but compositional new aspects as if there is a interwining of the photographers eye and the painters technique. 

An electronic journal the problems encountered.

I am struggling at the moment because I have to many ideas and thoughts running around my brain and I am going to have to jot these thoughts and ideas no matter how disjointed. My problem is that if I have had a journal that I wrote into and created sketches and had images added to making notes beside the images, this is how I worked during the time I was doing my degree in Fine Art, and I need to transfer my jagged notes and ideas that I would add to a hand written journal onto this blog, which I will struggle with.

But I am going to attempt this because this is important for my work to extend and develop, and for the tutors to see that I do consider things deeply and on an academic level.

So considering the idea of Tumblr and what it stands for as a micro-blogger and image related communication to everyone, and who doesn't talk or commuciate on some form of electronic form from Facebook, Twitter, Tumlbr, and many others.

The Pope communicates via Twitter, the Queen is on Facebook!

None of us are immune to the computer age,

I facebook a lot I want people to know me and understand me! I am on my own, I can't afford to go out, I am isolated and I go to work and come home be the parent, and then I study for my job and then for the MA so when do I communicate? I talk on Facebook and I also text alot, I text my mum alot because she is going deaf and texting is our way of communicating and I do feel like I am abit of a failure to my parents and unless I have special news for them I struggle to ring them and if I text them I love them I don't feel like I am wasting their time talking to them its complicated!

Loneliness

It can be hard to admit to feelings of loneliness, but one in 10 Britons is lonely. It's not just an issue for the elderly - loneliness is rising among the young. So are we all destined to be lonely?

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main," wrote the poet John Donne in the 17th Century.

Some people seek isolation, but few choose to be lonely.

Loneliness not only makes us unhappy, but it is bad for us. It can lead to a lack of confidence and mental health problems like depression, stress and anxiety.

Studies have consistently shown that one in 10 of us is lonely, but a report by the Mental Health Foundation suggests loneliness among young people is increasing.

At the same time, social changes such as the rise of the solo dweller and the surge in social networks, combined with an ageing population, are changing the way people interact with each other.

So is modern life making us lonely?



But while bereavement and ill health may be inevitable, there's a sense modern society is exacerbating other triggers of loneliness.
Dr Andrew McCulloch, chief executive of the Mental Health Foundation, argues although there is no hard historic data to show loneliness - which is arguably subjective - is getting worse, there is some sociological evidence.

"We have data that suggests people's social networks have got smaller and families are not providing the same level of social context they may have done 50 years ago.

Of the 16%, 28% are aged between 35-54 years old, but one study suggests people of working age who live alone increase their risk of depression by up to 80% compared with people living in families.
Social networking websites have also come under fire for reducing face-to-face contact and making people more isolated, although Mitchell says they can also some people stay in touch.

BBC news accessed 08.04.2013

Religon

Ok so what does religon do? Really do and I think it gives direction and a moral grounding on how to live your life. Its having hope for a afterlife or relife or no afterlife depending on what you belief. So faith is or rather religon no faith! Faith for me is the hope that what I belief is that it will all get better that God/Jesus whatever does know I exist and that I maybe no saint or even a good person but I have some worth in this life and I have a purpose or rather a right to be here and I can make a difference or am I meant to make a difference? So does how my paintings my work mean.. I am of worth an artist who creates work that makes people look and especially since I show how I create the work from start to finish on facebook has made people start commentating and reacting to the work I am producing and this makes me want to investigate the emotional aspect of the crucifixion of Christ, even that shape outline has an emotional aspect.. also when you look at the work of Francis Bacon and his work and obsession on religion especially the Crucifixion its an interesting mixture.

Identity

So what is it about identity that fascinates me? Its because I want to understand what is meant to be.. what makes a piece work makes the viewer think of their or our own identity... as a man as a woman.. as an individual.. and what does this relate to faith and where we stand in society...our behaviour our thoughts and what we value.. all this contributes to our identity even our childhood experiences and our adult perspectives of life which reflects onto our children.


Words

People, paint, expression, images, interaction, viewer, religon, hope, impact, perspectives, life, colour, lines, canvas, communication, emotion, transforming words into images, value, self, others, people, outside, articulate, academia, reaching out, evaluation. explanation, pope, vicar of god, god, christ, relative, emotional, representative...manipulation of words...

Different Perspectives

I have worked on a new painting once again of the main individual, this piece has been a struggle or has it? Rather this piece has been reflective of the work of I have produced of late and the work of Francis Bacon and his technical manipulation of paint, this is especially relevant because I am priming my own canvases and I am deliberately making the base canvas quite raw. In doing this the canvas has to be worked into, the paint does not easily glide, which has extended the work especially within this unit.

I started this painting by drawing a rough sketch of the figures that were to be within the painting and then I used an acrylic wash on the background.



I started this painting by working on each figure adding shadow lines to gather a sense of unity between the two. 

This canvas has once again been roughly primed and in fact  the individual elements are not primed so the area is quite rough and  textured which I believe has developed a richer element within the piece.

The shadowing has been produced by the use of turpentine to oil paints to give a liquid, fluid element to this area. This has allowed the background to appear through the paint I have applied.

I finished the individual on the right and started to work on the left, I scratched and almost dragged the brushes across the abdominal areas on each of the individual and this was important as a learning tool for as an artist and how I work the paint.   

Its hard as an artist/painter especially with the actual application of paint....How or why do we apply the paint the we as individuals do this, for me personally I know that this is an important area for me, it isn't academic, however it is crucial to me as an artist to push myself beyond the reality of the image of the photography I work with and that is why I am an artist because I express beyond these images as I develop these people I paint as individuals who I want to get to know on a personal scale.
    

The facial expressions on each figure has been hard to develop and I have been able to develop a sense of movement and of obvious regard of each other with a sense of intensity and yet there is a detachment and yet there is a feel of unity. 



This piece has been the most complicated and yet I feel its the best piece that |I have produced during this module due to the fact of the roughness or rather the lack of smoothed prepared canvas, so the application of rough canvas and the application of undiluted oil paint mingled with the application of acrylic paint as the under paint application as extended the imagery beyond the obvious, and yet it is a piece that many find oddly appealing due to the fact it isn't realistic of someone they recognise and yet there is a sense of knowing the person I have painted is it themselves they see reflecting on themselves or an understanding of wanting to understand themselves to examine themselves with such scrutiny.

How Time Flies.. 

Due to changing jobs I have had to do a lot of training, and I have had to find other work as well, so life has been very busy and rather stressful, however my training is near completion, and I am being re interviewed for my old job within the laboratory, and I will only be there for one or two days a week, so finances will improve and my life will become more settled, this will enable more time for me to concentrate on the MA.

However I have entered my work into an Open Exhibition at the Pump Rooms in Leamington Spa, and the work was excepted!

  

The images above are the two paintings that I entered into the exhibition, the reason I decided to enter these paintings because I felt there was a connection between the two pieces, but I am struggling to put into words what the connection is, I think partly it is the brushstrokes, the two figures in each, and yet one is definitely based on violence and the one of Martin is aggressive or if it is it's an undercurrent that ripples. Another connection is the shadowing on each piece.

  

I am very proud that these pieces were selected, and that the I am the only artist who had both their pieces accepted! I have spoken to the staff within the gallery and they have stated that there has been a lot of interest from artists who have been very intrigued about the work and the style and brushstrokes. The exhibition is a biannual event and this particular exhibition goes on til mid July.

I produced a piece of work which is shown below however I am not happy with the piece because I think I was trying to reproduce the earlier work 'Different Perspectives' however using female forms. And I attempted this during a time when my life was really stressful, so I have decided not to continue this piece.

So I was very grateful for the making day because it forced me to make time to create a piece of work, and to be involved in seeing others at work, and their creative process.

  
What I have found interesting about creating this piece is because I attempted to create a sense of movement, and I know that she looks like she is checking to see if she had poo on her shoe! However I do think the piece works as there is a sense of movement, and the shirt has a sensual feel to it. I think the face and hair works, there is a fluidity to the hair which is an area that I sometimes struggle with.
Continue to look at the production of this work, I am interested in how the absence of the fully formed figure has an interesting element to it and the incomplete images have a dream like element the sense of absence may become something which may become important in work that I will be producing in the future.   
This day has helped me to feel that even though I have had to distance myself from the MA, however I felt very welcomed back into the cohort on that day.

Massive Changes in My Life

I have been very distant from the MA due to the fact I changed jobs, which is part-time and the rest of the time I would be an NVQ assessor, however things at times do not work out, my new job as a AAA screening technician has taken a lot of training and I struggled with the training, and I ended up going to Hereford Hospital 5 days a week but only got paid for 3 days, and then NVQ work was not enough to maintain me financially, so it has been a very difficult time, I have had to take on more work.
At the moment I have 4 jobs which means I work between 50 to 60 hours a week so time is precious and there is not much left for anything and so the MA has suffered as has all areas of my life, however the good news is that this will not continue! I do call handling at the weekends and this job will finish at the end of September thankfully! The NVQ work will fizzle out as well as I do not earn enough from this job.
So all that will be left is the AAA screening job which I have now completed the training and I have passed the exam! Yippee!! So I work 3 days a week in this role, and I love this job so much as I have contact with the general public and I am working in a lovely team within this department. Furthermore I am working back within the Laboratory 1 or 2 days week, in doing this I will be working full time and things will settle down and finances will improve.

Breaking Point.    

I have really struggled to keep up with the MA, and I reached breaking point, so I drank some wine! And called Amelia and I explained well.. everything! Amelia was wonderful! She has helped me to restart my work.
What I decided to do was to get all the work that I have made out and took time to look at them and because of Amelia's advice I choose the pieces and to over work paintings that I do not feel work.

This is the first painting that I have decided to rework, as I do not particularly appreciate this work and it doesn't work for me, and I thought I maybe able improve it, or at least in doing this I am not having to buy more canvas and in doing this it would help me to kick start back into painting.

      

What I looked at when reworking this painting is that my brush strokes create interest and can draw the viewer in at times, this area is my attempt at painting over her jacket, the contrast of the dark background and crimson, blood red overlaid with white has a dragging effect.

  

  The face of the subject is bland and I really struggled to paint this individual and so I have attempted to work into her face.

However the darkened application of paint left me stuck with how to extend on these strokes, so I have rubbed this application of paint back.

  I then overlaid with titanium white and part of me thought that the effect created a sense of diminished of the individual, which I liked however I did begin to work into her face again.

This is what happened I gave up at this point and began to work on the other areas of the painting and I will come back to this area.

I worked into the background using loose brushstrokes to remove the remnants of the wall, but I tried to leave some of the background marks to be revealed through the marks.

I have then worked over the body of the individual and certain areas have become interesting.

  
Overall this piece still does not work, however there is areas that work due to the application of the brushstrokes overlaid over the
 original piece, but even reworking has left this work scrappy I feel.

The painting above is one that I created on the Making Day, and I did really enjoy this piece however it is controlled, and there is not much expression within this piece.
This work was done when I was nervous and slightly stressed! And really intent on making this painting and I think this reflected in the work, and I have noticed that my moods are reflected within the paintings I produce, my brushstrokes can be rigid, structured or loose and expressive.

Due to this controlled element on the work I felt that I had to be gentle but loosen the controlled element by daubing certain colours into the areas which I find interesting, I used crimson and ultramarine blue, due to the rough element of the canvas the brush strokes are harshly applied.

Areas seem to scratch over the brushstrokes.

The work that I have done to the painting has extended this piece, I really like the final elements, and I feel that by over painting it has extended and developed I feel that this has worked and the piece is successful.

I have not over painted this piece and it has given me the confidence to feel comfortable to over paint work again if I feel I need to.
However I am struggling to understand the theoretical elements of this module and I know that it hasn't worked and I did get very upset and stressed about this element of the MA.
So I spoke to Claire one of the students on the MA, and she listened to me as I explained the issues I was having regarding the theoretical problems and how I could not connect to the work and how I noticed how my emotions are reflected on the work I create.
If I feel stressed, depressed or I really want to paint and I haven't for a while I tense and the paintings reflect this.
When I am comfortable and life is easier I am able to be free and the brushstrokes are obviously relaxed and full of expression and that's when I create my best work.
Claire has suggested that this is a type of transference, I transfer my emotions into the work, or rather the work reflects my emotions, furthermore Claire suggested the book 'When the Past is Present' by David Rocco and the book is very reflective of how I feel my work is created and I want to extend on this idea.