Reflection on this Module. - Talking over all the Issues.

This is where I may waffle! As I have to write an essay on this module and I am really struggling.
Why am I struggling? Life has been bloody difficult if I can be honest, I decided to change jobs in the hope that this would be a positive move for myself and Emma.
However I have real doubts about the move, as the new job was only part-time and I hoped that another job doing NVQ's would be a financially viable idea, however this  has not proved to be the case, so I had to take on more work, so I ended up working between 50 to 60 hours, and still financially things are as bad as ever! So I to train for the new job, of which I have passed! Which is great, so I work as a AAA Screening Technician, I also work in the Laboratory as a Medical Laboratory Technician, I also do Call Handling at weekends, plus I attempt to do the NVQ's.
However the stress of all this has brought on a aggressive attack of IBS, which has made me incredibly ill, so life hasn't been great especially in regards with to the MA and in particular this Module.

So the positives... I am now qualified which means no more training for a while so I now just work 3 days scanning, and I work 2 days in the Laboratory. I have decided to stop doing the NVQ's as soon as the students I have completed their studies which I hope won't be much longer. Furthermore the call handling will finish by October, and at the end of this month I will be paid for the work at the lab, so finances will hopefully even out and everything health hopefully will settle down.

All these issues have really affected the work I have produced or rather how I have had to put the MA on the back burner.

So when I began this module I had been looking at the Tumblr and the idea of identity and I thought that I was dealing with and investigating the concept of 'Identity' and I limped through using this concept and yet when you looked at the work, and the individual who I had mainly decided to use in my work, what I created and her identity or rather the character that she showed on Tumblr is not reflected in the work.
In fact this all came to a head when we had to talk to a Curator, and send an artist statement and some images, I was so disappointed in most of the work that I had created, furthermore the statement just wasn't of a high standard and actually it was at this moment I recognised that actually the concept of 'Identity' was not part of the work I had been creating, and I was also ill on the evening that I had to discuss the work with the Curator, all in all a very disappointing time for me, and very humiliating.      

The work I have produced is technically ok and some of these pieces are good and stand out, and I have even exhibited one 'Different Perspectives'

This painting has been very well received and I feel that out of all the pieces I have created this year this is probably the only one which I am truly happy with.

When I created this piece I had been using a washed background and a limited palette I used limited sized brushes as well, and it was a hard painting to create, because it is also on roughly prepared canvas, and the character was difficult to produce and eventually I did look at the portraiture of Francis Bacon and he does have an influence on me and in his interviews with David Sullivan, he discussed how he allowed the faces to become organic and distort and he did not feel controlled over the images he produced. Which at times was frustrating for him which I really appreciate where he was coming from!

What I have been attempting to do is to recreate some of the work I had made and I did feel that this did work, however I began to realise that the work I created varied and why it varied was a bit of a revelation, because when I began to analyse the work, I realised that actually that my moods or rather how I feel affects how I paint.
For instance the painting 'Different Perspectives' is quite free in the brush work. The painting has an essence of confidence and the palette I used was limited but I did use more variety of colours but I limited the amount used, furthermore I did rub back and reapply paint.
This painting made me realise how my upbringing has affected me, and how my relationship with my parents especially my Dad has always been at the forefront and the most damaging in my life, I find this hard to deal with and talk about. But I look just like him so I can never get free, he is not a bad man he is just very disapproving of me and he struggles with me as an individual, I always feel that I am a failure and yet he does think I am a good artist, however every other aspect of my life is something that he struggles with, the fact that I have failed relationships and I am financially not stable and I can see a way out of these issues, I can't even tell him how bad things are as this will be another blackened mark against me.     

Another painting shows the difference which is the first piece that I created.

         
This painting is one that I am very proud of, its detailed and I know it is well executed and yet compared to ' Different Perspectives' it is limited and it doesn't have an edge to it. It does not stand up against the painting. Maybe it's too normal? 

At this stage I felt so despondent and very worried regarding this module, and didn't know how to talk to people and I did become a bit isolated, so I plucked up the courage and rang another student and I am so grateful! Amelia suggested that I repaint some of the original paintings as time was limited and I had no money to get any more canvas, and I just didn't know what I could created.

Furthermore I was at my wits end and Amelia's suggestion was a life line and I took her advice on board and began to rework some of the paintings, and two were successful, which was a relieve.
Below is an example of the reworked painting.

 

I felt that in reworking this piece I changed the mentality of the piece? There is a different essence... I was still a bit over protective when applying the paint, and I did rub back and reapply being tentative in approach I believe is due to my lack of confidence at the moment and actually I did feel a sense of achievement in the original work and yet I did know it was lacking. This final piece I feel does offer more to the viewer, maybe more of the reality of how I felt at that moment in time.   

 

 



 

 

The painting above is one that I made during a making day that I was able to attend, however I knew at the time that it wasn't great and not up to the standard of the MA, and I did feel that some of the MA student were not rude at all, but I did feel that some of the students under rated what I am as an artist.

I have always struggled to feel that I have much value within the MA as I am not eloquent, and artistically I find it difficult to discuss my work and others work, I have felt that I was getting better however I felt very lost that day when attempting to discuss why this painting was important and a bit of an achievement for me, so I was deflated after the day and stopped painting as time was so limited and I just didn't know what or where to start until I had spoken to Amelia, so I realised that I had to repaint this piece.

 

 

 

  Again I was tentative about this piece, as I didn't know what I wanted to change about it, and this is a bit pathetic I really struggle painting hair!! And in this piece I did feel that the hair worked. It had a fluidity that I spent time to achieve. But when you are doing an MA or any type of course being anal about work is fatal!! 
Anyway I did attempt to rework this piece and I felt that the tentative brushstrokes have worked, and the contrasting palette adds something to the work.

  
All of the paintings above have been included as the final pieces that I would like to be included into a exhibition, the reasons I think these pieces are important, due to the brush strokes and there is a unity to the pieces that work together as a unit. Furthermore I have spent time with these paintings, and there has been a development through these pieces.

I recognise that there is only four final pieces, however sometimes less is more, and I could have included more but in doing this I would be just adding more to bulk out the final hand in, I would not achieve more by doing this and in fact in doing this I would be letting myself down.

I struggled into attempting to find a word or rather a way of explaining how my emotions and this effects the work I create, and then I spoke to Claire another MA student who was wonderful and she really seemed to appreciate the issues that I was dealing with and she recommended a book that I should read, and suggested that the word I was seeking when explaining what I had realised when reflecting on my work was 'Transference'.
And after exploring this word it really does reflect all of the work I have done during all the modules and especially this module.